If you’re planning to hook up with some local slags, you’re probably going to find women who are willing to try some pretty crazy positions. While some of these are a lot of fun, others sound like a good idea at the time…until you actually give them a try. Then, you realize that popular media and your bloke friends have lied to you, and there is such a thing as bad sex. This makes everything awkward, so here are a few of the positions we’ve found are nowhere near as much fun as telly and our friends have made it seem.

Up Against a Wall

The image of having sex up against a wall sounds like a lot of fun. Of course, if you’re not one of the few men who has a ridiculous amount of upper body strength, this might not be nearly as fun for you as you might think. When you do it up against the wall, there’s also height to consider. If you’re taller than she is, you’re either going to have to bend your knees the whole time or lift her up, which isn’t much fun for either of you. If she’s taller than you, forget it: this isn’t going to work no matter what you do or how strong you are, unless she wants to shove YOU up against the wall.

In the Shower

There are few movies about sex that haven’t glorified the sexy shower hookup. This is a great place, we’ve heard countless times, for hooking up AFTER the hookup, and trying to get a last bang out of a slag before you say goodbye. It’s a great and sexy way to sleep with a woman who’s nervous about germs as well…except that it’s not as fun as it sounds, so stop coveting the shower hookup. If you’ve ever been inside a woman or even your own hand, you know that lubrication is the key. The biggest problem with the shower hookup is the fact that there is no lubrication that won’t immediately wash away with the water, so everything is going to be dry and uncomfortable. There’s also the fact that you’re an easy slip away from a pretty uncomfortable injury, so be careful if you choose to ignore our advice.

Over a Table

The ultimate in spontaneous hookups, the over-the-table hookup sounds like a lot of fun, but is a lot of work. More than being a lot of work, it’s also horrifically uncomfortable for the woman that’s slammed over a hard piece of wood. There’s a reason that hooking up in a bed is so much fun—it’s soft, it’s supportive, and you can both sink into the bed when you’re finished. When you hook up over a table, someone is going to get all bruised up, and a woman that you don’t mind bruising is a woman that isn’t going to hook up with you again in the near future, more than likely.